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07/31/2002 Archived Entry: "God"

God Service Mail in Card - via my grandfather.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name and address unless you prefer a direct response to comments orsuggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
[   ]Newspaper
[   ]Bible
[   ]Torah
[   ]Book of Mormon
[   ]Koran
[   ]Other Book
[   ]Television
[   ]Divine Inspiration
[   ]Word of mouth
[   ]Dead Sea scrolls
[   ]Near Death Experience
[   ]Near-life experience
[   ]National Public Radio
[   ]Tabloid
[   ]Burning Shrubbery
[   ]Who?
[   ]Other (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?
[   ]Y**w*h
[   ]Jehovah
[   ]Allah
[   ]Just plain God
[   ]Krishna
[   ]Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
[   ]Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
[   ]Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
[   ]Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
[   ]None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God coe to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
[   ] Yes [   ] No

If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
[   ]Not eternal
[   ]Not omniscient
[   ]Not omnipotent
[   ]Finite in space/does not appear to occupy or inhabit the entire universe
[   ]Permits sex outside of marriage
[   ]Prohibits sex outside of marriage
[   ]Makes mistakes
[   ]When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
[   ]Requires burnt offerings
[   ]Requires virgin sacrifices
[   ]Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
[   ]Indoctrinated by parents
[   ]Needed a reason to live
[   ]Indoctrinated by society
[   ]Indoctrinated by a cult
[   ]Needed target for rage
[   ]Imaginary friend grew up
[   ]Hate to think for self
[   ]Wanted to meet girls/boys
[   ]Fear of death
[   ]To piss off parents
[   ]Needed a day away from work
[   ]Enjoy organ music
[   ]Needed focus on whom to despise
[   ]Needed to feel morally superior
[   ]Graduated from the tooth fairy
[   ]My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
[   ]Self-help books
[   ]Tarot, Astrology
[   ]Star Trek reruns
[   ]Fortune cookies
[   ]Ann Landers
[   ]Psychic Friends Network
[   ]Dianetics
[   ]Playboy and/or Playgirl
[   ]Sex, Drugs, and/or Rock & Roll
[   ]Biorhythms
[   ]EST/Landmark
[   ]The Plan
[   ]Television
[   ]Mantras
[   ]Jimmy Swaggart
[   ]Crystals
[   ]Wandering around in desert
[   ]Burning shrubbery
[   ]Other: [   ]

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
[   ] Odin
[   ] Cthulhu
[   ] Lottery
[   ] Baal
[   ] Beelzebub
[   ] The Almighty Dollar
[   ] The Liberal Left
[   ] The Conservative Right
[   ] Mick Jagger
[   ] Bill Gates
[   ] The Great Pumpkin
[   ] Ronald Reagan
[   ] A burning cabbage
[   ] Mushrooms
[   ] Other: [   ]

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?...(circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1= unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Liberal Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?